Not to get lost In the moon the night seems not so strange anymore. Actually, I feel at home in the night - it never seems unknown and dark to me – however; today in the mist of the humid-warm night, I felt pleasantly speechless empty and lost in thought on my way home. No, I was not filled with sorrow or melancholy. It was a deep consciousness of my small existence, my infinite finiteness in this world—the feeling enveloped my body. But, not like a wave, heavy and inconceivably overwhelming, not at all. I felt light as a feather, like a leaf in the autumn that is carried from the wind and lifted higher and higher in the air. I was surrounded by a deep silence and contentment. In this moment of silence, I would have been able to welcome my death, embracing happiness at the same time. Feelings are so inexplicable and often abstract! I would have been able to linger the whole night through darkness. Time seemed to move no longer into the future. The night and I were strangers who had met and linked of a wonderful, natural unity. With a longing, loving pleasure I wished to climb the highest summit to watch the lights of all cities in the valleys in timelessness, simply to remain in a recovering motionlessness, just in order not to lose this feeling. But an autonomous rhythm, called normality brought me home tonight, as it has every day of my existence. Now, I sit here in darkness - the screen lets dance silhouettes of shadows on my naked skin. Life floods me. In the background the sounds of the world by night; a mystic sound-time trip! I write; try to put into words what is happening in me. The magic has not yet completely passed. It has no longer the same attraction as it had outside, but it is still here. It has changed –I hear it rustling through my veins. It gives me a feeling of freedom that I do not possess. Time! If time did not know this restriction of finiteness, it would lose its precious attraction. To experience this intensity of the “I” so surprisingly unannounced— I wish such feelings to all human beings. Only, one must be able to endure it. And to be able to admit this is a question of experience. I know that incomprehensible feelings can overcome us, as well as fear, but there is also unbelievable happiness. It is like all things in life, which appear in unknown forms and are embedded in unclear borders. Touching, feeling, high-climbing, falling –learning. To learn, what kind of possibilities such flights through the inexplicable nothingness can offer. I travel again and again through these described worlds and learn, let me drift. Let me admit, what would like to be admitted. Forget, what demands to be forgotten. Grant hospitality to what asks for shelter. No conventional time disturbs this harmony, which seems to glide in this universe without any declared goal and gives me a feeling of complete serenity and silence. Only the night and its loneliness is capable of taking me in its arms and carrying me away to a dimension far away from reality. Why do I think of you in such moments? Why do I write you lines that will never reach you because they will not find space in your restricted world? I do not know the answer. Maybe, because I possess the certainty, that you as well hide this longing in you. Perhaps during your existence, with all the imposed life-laws and your consciousness of the concept of 'time’, you have forgotten how to recognize these far-seeming worlds in your insight and in your surroundings and how to offer them your devotion. I probably also walk on the way called forgetting. Every day I am covered with nearly suffocating expectations, imposed by myself and my human environment. I rarely find time to listen to the tick of my inner clock and to let myself go wherever my wings would like to take me. So –especially tonight – I am not willing anymore to follow normality as it is imposed from the outside and will no longer be a slave of my mind, which reminds me to look for sleep so as not to disappoint the expectations of tomorrow and my environment. I will offer myself as gift to the melody of eternity and be completely awakened to the impressions of my body in a simultaneous rhythm with my soul. My small existence is a part of this wholeness and I have the certitude not to get lost. In deep solidarity good night, dream sweet of happiness and love – and the revelations of life.
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